Thursday, October 11, 2012

The Best & Worst of The Best & Worst of WWE Raw 10/8/12

Preface and preamble to all words within:

This is an article born of free time, a triple-dog-dare, and a serious bout of I-Should-Be-Writingism. This blog post, whatever it ends up being, is just me judging the pop culture references made by Brandon Stroud, Editor of With Leather (my favorite sports blog) in his weekly column, The Best & Worst of WWE Raw 10/8/12.This is only for non-direct reference. If he says "This is like that time on Doogie Howser, M.D. when..." then it doesn't get included.

FULL DISCLOSURE: I love professional wrestling. I have watched it for about 25 years and I'm probably going to watch it forever. I really enjoy it. What's that you say? It's fake? Thanks. Thanks for that. I was unaware. Do you want me to blow your mind right now? Everything on TV is fake. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is for real the most 'real' reality show on TV. So eat it.

Anyway, the guy who writes these is a pal of mine (inasmuch as someone you've known only online for over a decade and whose writing career you've followed can be a pal) and so none of this is written with anything approaching maliciousness. This is probably a long intro to a blog post but I'm only writing it once so whateverrrrrrrrrr.

P.S. (post-script!!!) As always, I write how I talk. That means Lots Of Parentheses ( these things ( ) )  (like a Stephen King novel) but not as many curse words because really, you guys, we're all better than that. Come on.


First off, if you love the article, please read and share it every week. I know pro wrestling is dumb, but it's pretty much equal with any other television show and it deserves a spot on a mainstream sports blog because WHY NOT.


Daniel Bryan and Kane have been a crucial, entertaining part of the show over the last month. John Cena apparently watched them from home for the first time ever last week and thought the last thing they needed to get truly over was GOAT BOY JOKES. Did WWE fire Brian Gerwitz and hire Jim Breuer? Should I expect Damien Sandow to start cutting promos about how pot is awesome?
Reference: Jim Breuer/Goat Boy
In reference to: Mid-1990's Saturday Night Live
Best or Worst: Best for a few reasons. 1.) John Cena is as repetitive (but entertaining to those who enjoy him[women and children]) as SNL was in the 1990's. He does repeat himself a lot. He is the Cheerleaders/Mango/Goat Boy/TO BILL BRASSSSSKY of pro wrestling. (Although for posterity's sake, remember that when Cena OVERCOMES THE ODDS for the tenth PPV in a row it's bullcorn but when the Briscoe Bros. do it twice as much in the same timeframe it's HECK YES I LOVE U ROH). Also the goat noise is one of the few impressions I can do (along with Cee-Lo and 50 Cent...don't ask).

<<Mean Girls .gif>>
Reference: A .gif from the movies Mean Girls
In reference to: Mean Girls, the movie. We covered this.
Best or Worst: Best. This movie is a great movie. You don't have to use a qualifier like "this a great movie for teens" or "this is sure a good chick flick I can sit though because boobs". This is an amazing movie with insane casting and I feel bad for you if you've ever gone a whole week without saying YOU GO GLEN COCO.

Don’t let anyone who knows what college basketball is come up with nicknames for your guys.

Reference: Nicknames and NCAA basketball.
In reference to: This guy.
Best or Worst: Best, because any reference to anything from the 1990s slays me. What can I say? The 90's were better than anything else ever. INCLUDING THE 1970'S. SUCK IT. Hey 1990's, I would appreciate it if you would send us some Dan Cortese and Rock-n-Jock Basketball. I'd probably even take softball. Thanks.

I mean, I know that he CAN do it, but after watching him struggle with Tensai’s dugong body last week...

Reference: 'dugong' body
In reference to: Dugong
Best or Worst: Unintentional Best. I for real thought dugong was a Pokemon character. then I found this and it was even funnier. 3 for 3 on Bests. How about that shit.


make a photo-realistic Jun Akiyama

Reference: Jun Akiyama
In reference to: Puroesu
Best or Worst: Worst. "...Jun Akiyama (秋山 準 Akiyama Jun?, born October 9, 1969) is a Japanese professional wrestler who currently works for Pro Wrestling Noah. Akiyama is known for his serious style and outstanding, time-tested work as a tag team wrestler. He also gained notoriety for his innovation of the Blue Thunder Driver and the wrist–clutch exploder suplex." (credit to Wikipedia) Blech. Who gives a crap. Big Johnny was a wrestler over in Japania? Who cares?!? Did you know his kid is a helluva linebacker for the Rams?


You know, I get a lot of shit for trying to be honest in these columns. Pointing out bad stuff on a wrestling show translates to “you don’t like wrestling” to a lot of people. The truth of the matter is that I wouldn’t watch wrestling (and I wouldn’t have continuously, obsessively followed it for 30 years) if I didn’t love it. I love it as much as a person who doesn’t do it for a living can. I want the shows to be good. I want to fall into that thing that happens where a match gets so good you forget about everything else that’s happening. Some people do that for music. I do it for wrestling. A truly great wrestling match can take me somewhere I can’t go on my own, and I’ve never been able to properly thank anyone for helping it do that.

Reference: :words:
In reference to: John Cena
Best or Worst: Best. This stunning allegory can be taken no other way than Cena's normal 'Rise Above' mentality which includes the following verbatim: "I know half of you like me and half of you don't. But I RISE ABOVE and I'm gonna give you 110% of the fight 135% of the time because if you like me or you don't I'm 10% luck, 20% skill, 15% concentrated power of will and like me or love me or hate me, you will or won't respect me no matter what."

I haven’t decided yet if Jinder’s total lack of rhythm makes it better or worse. Is he doing The Bird? If Jinder’s really committed to that “The Maharajah” nickname, he should end their attacks with a really weaselly version of Elton John’s ‘Our Song’.

Reference: The Bird, Moulin Rouge.
In reference to: This and this
Best or Worst: Best. I freaking love Moulin Rouge. Yes I do. P..S. This is my favorite song from that movie:

And B (I've known him a while, I call him B. Or Swan. No shit did you know he used to write under the name 'Swandive'? He wrote a book, too. Also had his picture taken with The Human Tornado. So 3 out of 3 ain't bad) is right because this is awesome. However I am pretty sure that Jinder Mahal is doing the Tunak Tunak Tun dance. I know this because I have a level 78 Draenai Mage. No I don't get off my freaking website you nerds.

Time out. Watch this video. Maybe you've seen it already. This time I want you watch it but only watch the blonde girl in the back row. Watch as this preteen nerd literally makes her (a) go through puberty and (b) question her entire worldview re: what kind of guys she should date in high school and college.


John Cena is wearing a weird elbow brace designed by Jeff Hardy

Reference: Cena's elbow tape
In reference to:Oh gosh I don't have the time to explain the Hardys to you so just Bing it (but please use Google).
Best or Worst: Worst. I recognized the stuff on Cena's arm as that fancy-as-heck newfangled athletic tape the athletes were using during the Olympics a couple of months ago. I know this since I watched the Olympics because I'm not some PINKIE COMMIE SOCIALIST LIBERAL living in South Portland, Texas a.k.a. Austin. Oh gosh y'all does this food truck use gluten? (This is literally the last time I will ever pick on B for being vegan, I promise, I just really like using the word gluten).

Well dipshits I'm out of references. I probably missed some but writing a meta column to entertain six friends is not the easiest thing to do. Follow me on Twitter.

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