Monday, January 9, 2012

NCAA WWE National RAW Championship is War D-D-D-DOUBLE LIVEBLOG

I have no idea why I'm doing this. Last February I liveblogged the entire NBA All-Star Weekend and it was the most exhausting things I've ever done. Writing words is hard, you don't know. So I'm bored and like a lot of people, I have to flip back and forth between two things I want to watch.

Now you might be saying "hey go get a DVR what are you one of them poors or somethin" and to you I say: go eat a D. This is America and if I want to watch two things at the same time I will do it. So I'm just gonna update this as the night goes on. Stick around and refresh now and then, I hit the update button every couple of paragraphs.
Lee Corso just put on the LSU Tiger mascot head, because he's smart sometimes and knows that LSU is going to kick the dogballs out of the Alabama Crimson Tide.

Who are elephants.

Regular-elephant-colored elephants.

One day I hope to travel to Africa and see a tide of elephants.

(ramma jamma yella hamma are you f*cking kidding me alabama?)

Some old guy just did the National Anthem and he botched the land of the free part. Look, it's easy to pick at this guy and say he fucked up the anthem but you know what? You didn't even fucking stand up for it. You're very rude. And a terrorist. Probably.

Somebody won the toss but I missed it because I was bitching with Jon about one of my classes. Oh, LSU will receive. That's not important. Hi, Erin Andrews. Helluuuuuu. Hi. Don't talk to Les Miles. Talk to me. I like it when you talk to me through the television. You know I trust television to deliver your messages to me. Baby, no, I can't poop in a tupperware and hide it in Jon's room. That's not polite.

This game has the chance to be boring as shit like the last one, so here's this:
Well LSU punted and Bama has gotten a couple first downs. I'm absolutely rooting for LSU. Bama fans are annoying as piss with their weird NCAA Rules Violations blinders they wear. It's cute how much they bitch about Cam Newton/Auburn (among others) but try getting any kind of reply when you present them with all the documented violations their program has had just in the past few years. It's like they completely reboot. You get no reply. Ever. Creepy as shit.

Man I can't wait for RAW to start. Too many Bama fans and their "CHASING 14" catchphrase. That's a terrible thing to say when your state is ranked #1 for underage relative rape.

Big punt return by Bama, but the dude ran out of bounds and is having to limp all the way back across the field. Might be a cramp, but maybe he pulled a hamstring. Whatever. I've been watching and rewatching and rewatching old episodes of Kenny vs Spenny. You can find season 4 on Netflix instant (I cannot recommend "Who can blow the biggest fart?" enough, it's probably the only thing better than The Wire.) Oh, that guy pulled his hammy. Bama is inside the 10.

My podcast partner Jon wants to do a Couch-to-5K and like an idiot, I said I would do it, too. I'm 32 and super morbidly obese and also a heavy smoker. Like, I'm pretty sure I weigh 200lbs more than Jon does. So I figure I'll just stop smoking and do this running plan and then we'll try and set up some kind of 5K with the podcast and our college and a charity we both like and make a big whoopty-shit out of it. All during an extremely-stressful final semester of college. I make great decisions. Bama kicks a field go so it's 3-0 with five minutes left in the 1st.

Finally, time for RAW. ESPN is reporting that Tim Tebow gets a $250,000 bonus for every playoff game he wins. Hahahaha. I love it when athletes/agents/owners put these awesome milestone performance clauses in contracts and then they get hit. I also love it when Christians say "I'M PROUD TO BE A CHRISTIAN" or "REPOST THIS IF YOU AIN'T AFRAID TO SAY YOUR(sic) PROUD TO BE A CHRISTIAN."

'Cause that's what Jesus was known for. His pride.

RAW has started and BAH GAWD KANG it's Kane. I'm wondering if Kane spent all his time off at a technical school learning to weld. My buddy Neeley wants to know why Kane insists on wearing not one but two Slipknot masks. I can't stand Kane. It's gone on too long. Also he supports Ron Paul. Kane drops a "YOU PEOPLE" in his promo so I'm done with this.

Crap in a hat, the game is on commercials. Back to Kane. He's telling the crowd how stupid they all are, which I'm all for. He refers to Zack Ryder as "YOUR VESSEL OF VICARIOUS ELATION" which is, holy shit, yeah I like that phrase. Gonna put dat shit on a t-shirt.

 RAPADOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Cena is out and it's PUNCHTIME! Oh lurrrrrd they're punchin' up the ramp! Now they're punchin' in the backstage. I am PRETTY SURE those guys int he hallway were Pete Gas and Rodney. The other Mean Street Posse dude's name was Rodney, right? Have you ever met someone named Rodney who wasn't a white trash hoople ready to fight at like any time? Maybe you don't live in the sticks, I dunno.

PUNCTIME has continued all the way out back behind the arena, where Kane disappears and Cena is forced to turn in circles looking at all the wooden pallets and trucks and hooples loading stolen wooden pallets into their trucks because you can sell those things back to pallet factories for like $15 each. See, you thought people only stole copper wire, didn't you? Hooples are crazy good at the hustle.

RAW goes to commercial so I flipped back to the game's still at commercial? Maybe this is a new set of commercials. I wonder what I've missed. Probably nothing. Yup, nothing. it's 2nd and 10 Alabama ball, 12:54 left in the first half. These guys are hitting the DOGSHIT out of each other. Roger Goodell must be watching these hits with his hand on his dick imagining that LSU linebacker is James Harrison. Oh apparently I missed a fake field goal. Eh, whatever.Bama is punting so back to RAW.

Here comes Santino to job to someone. Santino/Sheamus are taking on Wade Barrett and...Jinder Mahal? Wasn't Mahal's thing like, Great Khali had to do whatever Mahal said because Mahal was married to Khali's sister that a thing in India? You marry a girl and you're the boss of her family? I don't watch Smackdown so I never really got that storyline. Apparently the writers didn't either because I think they just dropped it out of nowhere.

Cole is explaining Mahal's turban, which he then calls by its proper name, then goes back to calling it a turban. I was cringing as soon as he said turban because, let's face it, WWE is not really good at, you know, anything at all involving any non-American culture. Ever. Cole states that he expects Mahal to be a big player in 2012, which can only mean one thing: BIG DADDY V IS COMING BACK! IT BEGINS! THROW YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!

I just realized that this match is an Italian guy and an Irish guy against a Brit and an Indian dude. Santino/Sheamus win with the power of the Cobra. Cut to backstage and it's THE MIZ. I love Miz. AND JOHN LAURENITIS! I LOVE THIS GUY, TOO!



Back to the game and oh my gosh it's still 3-0 Bama. I'm now angry at myself at this double-liveblog idea. I should have just written a post about my Top 5 Farts. I'm gonna go pee. I switched back to wrestling and HOLY SHIT. EDGE is the first nominee announced for the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2012. Wow. I'm not sure what to say here. I mean, I love Edge and I'm super happy about this, but I always held out hope that one day he would get a robot neck or something and come back.

Another inductee will be announced tonight, too! Backstage Miz is hunting around for a bodyguard, either that or asking Mason Ryan where he buys his shirts. And now we cut to Zach Ryder hitting on Eve, who agrees to go out with him. She has a match tonight with Beth Phoenix, if she wins then she gets a title shot. Alright, I probably have a spare 43 seconds to watch the match. They leave and the door behind them opens to reveal KANE WAS THERE AND HE HEARD THE WHOLE THING. HE'S GOING TO RUIN THEIR STUPID GOVERNMENT-FUNDED SOCIALIST DINNER DATE! REVOLUTION!

The game is on commercial. I need a cigarette. I don't know what the hell this John Carter movie is but it looks interesting enough. Whatever, I don't need your approval. Guilty pleasures are for people who care what others think about them. Us on the DGAF Crew just call them pleasures. Alabama scored another field goal. It's 6-0 Bama with 4:14 left in the half.

Daniel Bryan is out on RAW. If he's going to go full-ROH to win matches, I'm all for it. I hope he beats Kofi with a small package tonight. Well, I hope he beats him with the Cattle Mutilation, but I'll settle. Kofi comes off the top and his arm is caught by Bryan who locks on his Labell Lock or however the fuck you spell it and the match is over. Wow, this was shorter than a lot of Diva matches.

Here comes Big Show. He puts his giant dumb toboggan on an armed forces member in the front row, and it covers her whole head like that one guy Dumb Donald from the old Fat Albert cartoons. Bryan went into some spiel about the belt and said Big Show could have a shot whenever he wanted. I didn't quit make out of threatening thing Show said back to Bryan during the handshake but I'm sure it was something like "my fingers are bigger than almost every penis on the planet".

It looks like Alabama is gonna kick another field goal before the half. They've got over 200 yards of offense and LSU has like 45. Kick is good, it's 9-0 Alabama at halftime. This game is like watching Jon Fitch fight Jon Fitch.


Holy fucking SHIT. "From Planet Funk, THE FUNKASAURUS BRODUS CLAY" I am laughing so hard. The dude, who is a juggernaut of a human specimen, came out dressed like a member of RUN-DMC, to funk music, with funk dancers. He did gyrations in the ring. All his promo videos were of a gigantic monster hungry for human flesh and trans fats. I don't know what just happened but I laughed so hard I cried. It was like The Godfather and 2 Cold Scorpio had a baby. Two black male pro wrestlers having a white baby is still more believable than Beyonce's pregnancy.

I need some time to recover from what just happened. The game is at halftime and RAW is a match between Swagger and  CM Punk. Laurenitis is out and literally repeats everything we already know. Punk's nipples still weird me the fuck out. A graphic flashes up to tell us "Brodus Clay" is the #1 WORLDWIDE trend on Twitter. I checked and holy shit it is. Some people don't like all the Twitter and 'trend; talk on RAW, but then again some people don't run a completely disposable entertainment source in America. The WWE should be praised for attempting to incorporate social media. It's FREE FUCKING ADVERTISING AND ADS ARE THE ONLY REASON ANY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT EXISTS.

Except opera. If it wasn't for rich people, all opera would have died out decades and decades ago. Look it up.

See that opera sentence? It's been like, over ten minutes since then. Punk just pinned Swagger and the game is back form halftime. Alabama has already pushed the ball to around the 20-yard line. Could we see the first touchdown between these two teams in over six quarters, or will it be another field goal? Apparently that CM Punk pin was a mistake, but they're ending the match that way anyways. Hey guess what? ANOTHER FIELD GOAL!

It's 12-0 for Alabama. The last time that happened Tom Robinson went to jail for bustin' up a chiffarobe. 

I was so busy working on the wording for that joke I missed the entire WWE NETWORK SRILLEX DUBSTEP WHAT WHAT commercial. Skrillex has been popping up in different media forms I look at for a few weeks now. We are all Skrillex. I named my Skyrim character Skrillex. I couldn't tell you anything about Skrillex except "dubstep".

The second inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame Class of 2012 is the men with the greatest entrance music of all time...THE FOUR HORSEMEN.

Ricardo Rodriguez is being forced to go to the ring by Miz and say "the most offensive thing possible" to lure out R-Truth. Basically he told RR to get on live television and call someone a nigger. RR sticks to "uhhh, you're dumb and your mom is fugly and has a mustachio" and I know the Spanish word for mustache is bigote just let me type in peace.

R-Truth wants RR to sing La Cucaracha so I'll go check on the game, it's on commercials so I switch back in time to see RR say WICKA WICKA REMIX and start rapping it. Miz jumps R-Truth and escapes through the crowd.

Back at the game, Alabama just picked off LSU's QB Jefferson. I hope you didn't expect much from the football game part of this post, because they ain't giving me a whole lot to work with. Chris Jericho is out on RAW, and after last week's return I have been anxiously awaiting to see what's gonna happen. I want more trolling. I NEED MORE TROLLING. He performs beautifully, attempting to bring the microphone to his mouth before being overcome with emotions, almost breaking into tears, and LEAVING THE RING without saying a word FOR THE SECOND STRAIGHT WEEK. I love it. I LOVE IT.

I'm trying to write this post while I simultaneously post comments over at the WWE RAW Open Discussion thread on With Leather. If you watch RAW then you should do it too. I'm using a lot of the jokes from here in my posts there because you're allowed to plagiarize yourself.If a college professor ever tries to tell you that you aren't, spit at them. Alabama kicks another stupid field goal to make it 15-0 with 22 seconds left in the 3rd. We're seriously going to see a kicker be named MVP of the National Championship Game. That's something.

Over on RAW Eve Torres is out for her match with Beth Phoenix but BAH GAWD KANG THAT'S KANE'S MUSIC. Kane doesn't come out, though, not yet. Ryder has rescued Eve and put her in a car (always a bad decision) and is trying to...fix the car's flat tire. Does he even care about Kane or is this all about his date? Did he hear there was a Divas match and then count to 65 and be like "ALRIGHT IT'S OVER LEGGOOOO"

Back from commercial and Ryder almost has the donut tire put on his car. For a second there I was impressed at how quickly he was changing the tire until I remembered that there's an entire horde of teamsters off-camera. I'm such a mark. Kane beats up Ryder which distracts Cena (who was having a match with Dolph Ziggler[change his name please]) and then beats up Cena. Awesome. That's the end of the show so I have to go back to the football game.

LSU has the ball, still down 15 with under nine minutes left in the game. This is the worst shittingest shit of a game made even worse by the fact that Alabama is going to win it. They just forced an LSU turnover, too. I give up. I'll go ahead and declare them Champions right now so I can watch something else. Remind me to either never try and do a double-liveblog ever again, or maybe to only do double-liveblogs.

Come back tomorrow when I'll write something about farting and college textbook prices.

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