Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Best of 2011

I'm a sharer. I tend to think my opinion is better than everyone else's and so I put together a list of my favorite things on the internet from the past year. And maybe some things not on the internet. Whatever. I don't work for you.

1.) @DadBoner on Twitter 

Karl Welzein is a man who knows what he likes. Bold flavors, cold beers, and abbreviating the weirdest words. Michigan born-and-raised, Karl isn't about to let his ex-wife(well, separated), idiot roomie Dave(not me), or that nosy lady from work bring him down. You know Karl is dropping serious wisdom when he ends a sentence with "you guys".

2.) Parks and Recreation "The Fight"

Season three of Parks and Rec is probably my favorite season of any sitcom ever. I love every character on the show so much it's creepy.

That's as far as I got before I gave up. I should really have someone else doing pictures.

I can't get enough of Tim Fucking Tebow. His pro-life anti-gay beliefs make me vomit and I can't wait until he comes out of the closet or they find a body in his trunk or whatever scandal is undoubtedly going to befall him. Until that time, I'm on the bandwagon. He's shown a weirdly high amount of motivation and confidence, his awareness is amazing, and he makes passes like your drunk Uncle at a terrible Christmas dinner.
  • Girls love him because he's good-looking. They say it's because he's a good quarterback. If you want to root for the Broncos for the same reason you root for the Patriots that's okay, ladies, just be honest. I only like Scarlett Johansson because of her boobs. See how easy that was?
  • Christians love him because they think a.) he's super-Christian(sort of) and b.) they think they are also super-Christian ergo c.) wow Tim we have so much in common we'd be BFFs and therefore d.) Tim Tebow is everywhere, just like God. In reality, they see all the media coverage he's getting, and if it turns out he IS a good quarterback, or at least one that can consistently not lose, then it will somehow mean they and everything they believe in was "right all along" and the terrible horrible no good bad liberal gay media will have to ACCEPT THEM. ACCEPT AND TOLERATE US, they will cry, YOU MUST FOR TEBOW HAS SHOWN THE PATH. Once we hit that point, we're less than four months from the auto-erotic asphyxiaccident. 
  • Denver Broncos fans love him because so far he's 7-2 and guess what? Winning Games Is Literally The Only Thing That Matters. Winning + fans = con$umer$. 
  • The media loves him because we're at a place in the world where information is collected and sent instantly, and you can send it directly to a consumer through their phone or tablet. They will milk every fucking drop of blood out of this turnip or stone or whatever. 
  • People hate him for some or all of the reasons above(except for the winning part). When I say people I of course mean "the internet" and more specifically "the people you know and interact with on the internet."
That's why he's #3 on the list. I might not like something, but by gum I love the shit out of things that push buttons. Also if you think Tim Tebow is a virgin you're a fucking idiot.

4.) John Calipari

Here's what I like in a college coach:
1.) UK players in the NBA.
2.) Winning games.
3.) Me making jokes about how much UK players get paid.

Here's what I don't give a fuck about:
1.) Anything else.
2.) 95% of UK fans.

I just don't get a lot of the hate around "one and done" players that he recruits. Do you people even understand why they do it? They don't WANT to leave a program in the lurch after a single season, but they didn't WANT to go to college in the first place! They wanted to work using their unique skills! They are being FORCED to wait a year to enter their chosen field in America.

No, I want this to sink in. If you are 18 years old in America, congratulations you are legally an adult. You can do all kinds of things now, expect play professional basketball. It makes sense in football, because the size/skill gaps between high school and the NFL are immense. I dunno, I just hate the idea of not being allowed to earn a living. A lot can happen in a year. But since the rules are the rules, I'll take all the one-and-done superstars. Also I came up with the #Uniblock hashtag for Anthony Davis. Y'all are welcome.

5.)White People On Facebook Who Just Saw "The Help"

Cannot get enough of this. I swear to you, everyone I know on Facebook who has seen this movie can't stop talking about how good it is. Holy shit. It's almost like seeing this movie is making people think their eight bucks somehow forced the Civil Rights Act of 1964 through congress. Your eight bucks didn't do shit, I mean, if you saw the movie you know it was a white girl who wrote a book and ended racism.

If I'm watching a movie about how shitty things were for black people, I'm going with The Long Walk Home. You can read Roger Ebert's review here.

6.) The Fact That We Got An NFL Season

I freaking love football. I love fantasy football even more. I love fantasy football more than I love jerking off and I love that more than ANYTHING.

I stole this gif from SBNation. The same way we stole this county from the Indians. They aren't even Indians, you guys. Stop calling them that.

7.) June 27th

If you don't like wrestling, you probably won't care. If you do like it, then this moment may have meant a whole lot to you. Imagine everything you ever wrote on the internet about what you hate about a thing you like. Now imagine someone who works for that thing is saying the exact same things you said, only they're doing it on live television. I know you've heard the phrase 'shit a brick', well, on June 27th the Internet Wrestling Community's jaw dropped to accommodate all the bricks being shit.

8.) Celebrity Cellphone Security

Here's a list of female celebrities who had private pictures hacked/leaked* this year:
  • Scarlett Johansson
  • Blake Lively
  • Kat Dennings
  • a bunch more
Invasion of privacy is terrible. We can all agree on that. The silver lining is (apparently) your career will never be negatively affected by the planet knowing what your titties look like. That has to count for something, right? I'm not gonna sit here and yap about how awful it is that it happened and I'd like to get through this section without using the word 'violated'. We all know it's awful. Even if I was as attractive as any of the three ladies I listed, I'd be horrified and angry if my goodies were being shared around the internet. I'm horrified and angry anytime someone knocks on my apartment door. If a picture of my acorn dingus was somewhere on Reddit I might kill myself, depending on how much doctor-prescribed weed I've theoretically smoked (if I ever take a picture of my dick, you better believe I'm living in L.A.)

The point I'm making is that when I heard there were naked pics of ScarJo, you better believe I looked. You probably did, too. SORRY THAT I CAN ADMIT IT.

*This asterisk is because sometimes hacked pictures are really hacked and sometimes someone is at a level of comfort with their body and wants to create publicity. Always remember that the reason Kim Kardashian got famous in the first place is because she SIGNED OFF on the release of a video of her having sex with Brandy's brother.

1 comment:

  1. Throw in Congressman Anthony Weiner and those three ladies can have a sausage party with him seeing as how he exposed his raging bulge via TWITTER...nice one.